Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is offence, let me bring pardon.
Where there is discord, let me bring union.
Where there is error, let me bring truth.
Where there is doubt, let me bring faith.
Where there is despair, let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness, let me bring your light.
Where there is sadness, let me bring joy.
O Master, let me not seek as much
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love,
for it is in giving that one receives,
it is in self-forgetting that one finds,
it is in pardoning that one is pardoned,
it is in dying that one is raised to eternal life.
Early on in my recovery journey, I was met with this prayer and found it difficult to do as it suggests. Not difficult, it was impossible. My heart was so very hurt, my soul so far from healed that it seemed impossible to offer understanding to another. What I needed was understanding and truth and hope and light. While it was a lofty, worthy goal to be able to give rather than be given to, I was unable to live these ideals. At first I weaponized this prayer against myself - what was wrong with me? I must bring love and pardon to others - I MUST! Or I am a failure!
I realized, luckily, that I was doing this… weaponization towards myself, that it was rather masochistic to demand that I be ready for something that I was not yet able to do. My codependence patterns definitely include negative self-image and self talk - where I find fault with myself, chastise myself, etc. I came instead to accept that I was not ready to give and moved away from this idea.
Along with other things that I could not control, I came to understand that I could not control that I felt hurt myself - that I was the one who needed pardon, hope, light, joy. I needed to be consoled and understood and loved for a while. That need was part of what I could not control and that was okay. It was okay for me to feel that way and accept my needs.
I like to say that I am human: if you cut me, I bleed. And if you injure me, I will be hurt. That i cannot control that is part of what i must accept. This idea that I can simply make myself not bleed or not be hurt when someone cuts me physically or with their words or actions is false. Moreover, it is invalidating of my experience when someone tries to tell me not to be hurt after they’ve hurt me - intentionally or not.
Because of my journey, this peace, this love, this pardon, union, truth, faith, hope, joy has become mine because I have mined it through spiritual practice. Through listening intently to my needs and my desires honestly, these have grown roots within me. It took a lot of effort to give myself the understanding and pardon that I needed and I can finally say that this prayer sits well with me. It is not even so much of a prayer as it is a reminder of how to bring precious healing light into this world, to those around me.
Because I give to myself and pardon myself and have removed the error within me to uncover the truth of who I am, what I need - it is because of this that I am able to pardon without being pardoned. And it truly is gratifying, giving me immense joy.
Comments