My first time in an al anon meeting was years ago. Back then I went because in my relationship there was a lot of turmoil and confusion. Technically before this relationship, I had never been in a relationship with someone who struggled with addiction or any other mental health problem. It makes sense that I had no idea what to do or feel.
I was losing sleep. It was hard to concentrate on my work, on my studies. It was distracting me from parenting. I was becoming more and more isolated from my other relationships. In short, I was in a ton of pain and there was no one in my life that could help me - especially not my partner.
We were trying to patch up our relationship, seeing a therapist who suggested that I check out an al anon meeting. Looking back I was still in denial about the fact that we were dealing with actual addiction. Maybe I was optimistic? It seemed that maybe the partying could be controlled or managed somehow. Maybe I myself was not ready to face the way my own substance abuse had deteriorated and accelerated. In fact, substances were becoming the only way for me to deal with the pain and confusion of the relationship.
Part of this denial had to do with shame, embarrassment. Like, if I admitted that there was an actual addiction problem, that it was so bad that I needed to attend actual meetings, then that was saying something really awful about me and my partner. How embarrassing, right?
So, I went to that meeting in immense pain - actually I left the tumult of simply being around my partner at that time to go to the meeting hoping for some mental relief. We were not getting along or seeing anything eye to eye. Neither of us was making any effort at actually cutting substances out of our lives or anything like that. So it makes sense that there was constant upheaval. But I was still holding back - telling myself I did not belong there. I was not as bad as these other sad souls. We just needed to moderate our partying or whatever, get back on track, and a hundred more other nonsensical excuses. It was not as bad as addiction, real addiction. Denial, shame, embarrassment. It probably didn’t help much that my partner actually ridiculed me when I talked about needing help from an organization like that.
Who knows what would have happened then if I had continued going to those meetings and opened my mind? What would these past years have looked like if I had gotten rid of the idea that I was special and our situation unique? That is really what I think is happening when people are in denial about addiction or mental health issues. In some circles it is called Terminally Unique - this idea that my problem is so special or huge or not really that bad. It’s the idea that none of these things that have helped others with the same problem could possibly help me. If I just seek out the right spiritual practice or idea or physical healer or read the right books, it will be fine.
I am so grateful that I finally gave up the denial, the shame, the embarrassment. I am so glad that I stopped thinking that I was so unique and special. Because it is true, that the same spiritual practice that has helped millions of other people around this globe for decades is the same one that has given me my sanity, my hope, my inner peace, and my strength. It doesn’t take away from my being special.
Being in denial, convinced of our Terminal Uniqueness is like sitting in a vat of tar with all sorts of ways to get out within reach but being unable or unwilling to stick our hands out and grab. It is sad and I feel so sorry when I see precious beings stuck in the pit of denial and shame.
What eventually did make me open my heart and turn to this spiritual practice was, well first it was desperation. I had a lot of desperation and pain in my life and I was at the end of guessing what to do. But more than that it was the central idea of al anon: that of getting back to or moving towards a place of taking care of My Self, of My Needs, My Desires. In al anon or other anon groups, we realize that we have lost sight of our own selves for so long. We realize that we ourselves need precious healing and understanding.
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